So yesterday it was all too much and today we have swerved back into our usual space as it were. Maybe parking a little close to the lines and hit the bumper on the wall but here none the less.

Intwresting isn’t it the duality of emotional life. There are these feelings buried quite deep at times, at other times quite close to the surface, of anger and unresolved issues, of fear and unforgiving pqrts. Then there is the day to day run of it peppered by real joy and intimacy at times. I think in reality every marriage probably has these- especially with history over the years of conflicts without happy endings where power struggles play out with a winner as opposed to a compromise.

So this evening we had a family jam session with Randall banging pots with a spoon, Peter on the violin and rapping and DH and I playing guitar. It was very good especially seeing my seven year old so confident. I couldn’t help but wonder why his school can’t bring that out in him. I’m so glad he feels comfortable enough to show us his talent.

I did get out last night but amusingly took a while to get home and despite all three being asleep there was the little quip. And Then of course she woke up at 5 30 ready for the day. I was not. She did not settle back and DH and dS2 did not get up until half seven. I did get a nap in the day and then conked out putting the boys to bed which meant I missed out on my tv and exercise time whilst DH had a long session. I reckon he wanted some space anyway and I was just so very tired. But he turned on the lamp when he came to bed which woke me up and then we made up properly.

Now of course baby is up just past one. She is not eating brilliantly still getting her appetite back I suppose after her illness but I will take her to the GP if it doesn’t pick up by next week. She is off all her favourites and so I am having to breast feed her often because I can’t stand the thought of her being hungry.

She did after her five troubled nights actually sleep through last night. Mother in law came to help and left boys playing on their own whilst she folded clothes. DH of course expressed dismay that I can’t manage that. Not too gentle reminder that I am sleep deprived plus it’s nice to play with them not just leave them in front of the telly. Ok so bit of hurt pride going on too but I’ve always struggled with putting house work before child care. She does lots of great activities with them but she always answers the phone, toddies up etc whilst they are with her and I think they should have full attention and that stuff can wait. The little quips about us living in chaos are very irritating and she will whip around sorting things out which, yes, is very helpful I cannot deny once a week or whatever. But day to day I’m not going to kiss my time with them in order to Finnish chores that I can for around them. We have a little system now. I do the clothes on a Sunday. He washes up when I am putting them to bed. Hoovera when they are out. I wipe aa we go along. It’s ok. Our main issues is clutter because we have too much stuff but we are working on it.

Its still the same thing I am talking about isn’t it? The raja alongside the living. The duality of existence. Trying to run on two tracks. I can’t help but wonder will I get winded?

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