So tonight DH goes into the bathroom and DS1 is desperate. I am up and down knocking on the door trying to preserve DH ridiculously fragile ego whilst ensuring my son doesn’t have an accident that will engender feelings of shame he will need therapy for when he’s an adult.
Earlier I went to work and called the nursery three times to check Gaby was ok following her chest infection. He didn’t call them but he was at home.
And I have spent TWO DAYS contemplating divorce as he has barely spoken to me and doesn’t have the emotional depth to reveal the reason being a throwaway comment I made on Tuesday morning.
I am so bored of men and their lack of awareness. If mum is there she can do everything. I am off out tonight and he said he would manage on his own but I have called MIL because I know I have no chance of getting any time if I don’t. What’s more it is a military operation managing to get out at all. Then there is the guilt that DH heaps upon me when he disappears to his little hobby every Monday. He has now started To insist upon more time as he thinks I’m getting too much. Working for himself I know he gets lunch in front of the latest shoot em up on Amazon Prime.
Of course I love him but what I don’t love is being taken for granted. I cannot recall the last time I had a bit of romance. The terrible comment I made was following a night of adult fun we were in the kitchen the next morning and I lent in for a kiss only to be told he was too busy! So I said ‘if you don’t kiss me I will feel like a prostitute’. I think I saw a film once where a lady of the night said something about ‘not kissing the johns’. It was a joke – half so. It really sent him off on one though.
I hate atmosphere I grew up in a house full of it. Love and war. I don’t want that for my kids. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that even if you are not fighting the silent treatment is a weapon. Then you are into emotional abuse territory gas lighting and the such.
I think perhaps I expect too much but then I see other men being attentive and encouraging and I get pissed off. But of course I have girlfriends that tell me their men never lift a finger at home and mine is great at that and handy too.
I know I can’t have it all but my priority is always the children and mine emotional well being. It’s hard work being the sensitive one, the one who feels it and having a son who does too . DH parents are like him- a bit removed and ‘everything is fine’ when it clearly isn’t. This really is a case of opposites attract. I have the strength to feel my emotions and he does not and I guess I have to accept that. Or do I?