That expression used to mean lots of things to me about living on the edge and risk taking. Now all it translates to is surviving as DH calls our silt struggle.

I am feeling guilty right now. I have just read Constance Hall’s post about being grateful that her children are with her and not lost or ill And of course she is 100 per cent right. And I have lost my boys in a mall, in a garden , a big playground and truth be told my heart stopped. No feeling is worse than running around frantically screaming for your child. And when you find them what seems like hours later but was minutes you are insanely happy but also mad and scared and relieved. Ok so I’ve convinced myself to be grateful.

But despite that I am very tired. Gaby has bronchiolitis and last night she was awake from 2 till half 5. And again DH failed to wake up in the morning and we had a row. He was wearing ear plugs ffs! So she has this crackling chest and she has a wheeze and she’s not at all hungry just drinking some water and breast milk and tiny bit of yoghurt. There has been nasal flaring and sucking and all sorts of fearful signs. She has got covered in snot and of course I can’t bath her till she is well. And I watched hours of every last night. And I have work tomorrow but just the morning so I’m thinking I may just manage.

had that freaky appointment where the nurse calls the doctor to check the chest but it’s ok she is ok for now we have to keep a close eye. It was three hours in out of hours doctor yesterday waiting for her temp to come down.

I was supposed to get my veins down too but I cancelled although can’t say I am at all sad as really could not face it at all. I can’t bear the thought of wearing those totally unsexy stockings for a month. It’s hard enough feeling attractive as it is with my slumped shoulders and drawn face, lank hair and dull eyes. Then I am assaulted by the CBeebies and Milkshake. Those girls do not have kids and they always look so peer and bouncy and DH practically drools whilst spooning cereal into his gaping mouth. Jealous? Moi?

No but seriously it is very hard to compare to youth and vitality when on the other side of 40 with three kids and numerous physical niggles. But I am aware this sounds like complaining. It really is not. I would not change anything about me and the kids. I just wish for health and well being and very PolyAnna of me I do wish everyone would get along and I also hope for a bit of romance.

Anyway I’ve typed  myself grateful so  now better see what DH is up to!


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